i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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