I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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