i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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