just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
