Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
