she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
