Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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