Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
