One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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