she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
