So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
