i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
