i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
