listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
