we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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