Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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