I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
