Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
