I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
