I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
