Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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