I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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