I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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