nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
