I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
