Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
