Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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