i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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