69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
