Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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