There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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