The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
