Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
