Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
