explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
