Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
