I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
