One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I want a musical about memes.
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