I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
