What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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