Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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