First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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