apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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