She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
