Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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