oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
