Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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