first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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