Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
