just come out here and I will go home with you...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
