Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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