you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
