when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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