I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
His nipple licking is glorious
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